I have not kept my only promise. I have a good excuse. I recently had what I can only call a mental decline in response to a trauma. My first party back after getting vaccinated was at my house. I was sexually assaulted at that party. I coped with alcohol and ended up doing something that was really out of character. I ended up concluding that I did not know myself, and that I could not trust myself enough to be alive. The world was far too chaotic for an unpredictable, terrible, trash person like me. I self admitted myself to a hospital and long story short I can no longer buy a gun in the state of California FOR LIFE.
I really went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to write about this experience on a blog connected to my website, since it is supposed to be a professional vehicle. But, honestly, I don't want a job from someone who isn't chill with this part of my life.
That being said, I won't go into every part of it, since I really want to write a longer essay on it after I've marinated some. I was released from the hospital five days ago! And now I am writing a blog about it.
Here are five things (out of many) that I learned:
I thrive when given worksheets.
Getting to calibrate myself through a structured environment is a huge gift.
Amazing people go to mental facilities.
A lot of parents go to mental facilities.
We might all be in a simulation, but you know what, who fuckin cares.
(more on that one later)
I miss my hospital friends. I miss how small that world was. Landlines only. Only two choices for dinner. Everyone in rust colored pants. 'Outside time.'
How do I even begin to replicate that in the real world? I am overwhelmed by choice and time. Some structure is lifesaving, and some is ruining. As I said: chaos.