I have not kept my only promise. I have a good excuse. I recently had what I can only call a mental decline in response to a trauma. My first party back after getting vaccinated was at my house. I was sexually assaulted at that party. I coped with alcohol and ended up doing something that was really out of character. I ended up concluding that I did not know myself, and that I could not trust myself enough to be alive. The world was far too chaotic for an unpredictable, terrible, trash person like me. I self admitted myself to a hospital and long story short I can no longer buy a gun in the state of California FOR LIFE.

I really went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to write about this experience on a blog connected to my website, since it is supposed to be a professional vehicle. But, honestly, I don't want a job from someone who isn't chill with this part of my life.

That being said, I won't go into every part of it, since I really want to write a longer essay on it after I've marinated some. I was released from the hospital five days ago! And now I am writing a blog about it.

Here are five things (out of many) that I learned:

I thrive when given worksheets.

Getting to calibrate myself through a structured environment is a huge gift.

Amazing people go to mental facilities.

A lot of parents go to mental facilities.

We might all be in a simulation, but you know what, who fuckin cares.

(more on that one later)

I miss my hospital friends. I miss how small that world was. Landlines only. Only two choices for dinner. Everyone in rust colored pants. 'Outside time.'

How do I even begin to replicate that in the real world? I am overwhelmed by choice and time. Some structure is lifesaving, and some is ruining. As I said: chaos.

I am in writing school, but it is hard for me to write. I either scrawl in a diary that no one will read until I'm dead, or I hand pieces into classmates and try not to imagine them all turning to me to say "why are you even trying." I took a class with a very pretty man named Ross who had us propose writing experiments to push us out of our own writing patterns. So this first blog post is going to be my experiment proposal, so that maybe, somehow I will start writing enough that I push past the gunk and get to my good ideas-- ones that I do really feel exist.

Experiment: write a blog. do not promote it or set any specific career goals associated to it.

Hypothesis: the balance of it being public, and it being unpromoted will give me a good balance of motivational anxiety.

Execution: try to do something on it 5 days out of a week. this can include your pictures and drawings.

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